Do you over think like me? X

At the moment I am in a place where I'm not sure what is happening and I'm not embracing it very well as it doesn't feel very good.  I have been feeling a bit run down since the beginning of December ... We had a very tough term at school awaiting Ofsted to come and visit.  We all worked extremely hard. As we approached the end of the winter term, guess who visited!  I was off on the day their visit was announced.  I had tonsilitis, ulcers in my mouth and numerous things wrong.  I was trying to rest and I thought I would go into work and embrace Ofsted as me, being me did not want to let my colleagues down and work as a team.  As this is what we have been waiting for ... 

Since then, I have felt pretty rubbish.  I have felt that my work life has shifted in the way I feel about it.  I love the teaching role and working with the students.  I get a real sense of achievement and satisfaction in seeing the students I work with blossom and make progress in their learning.  But there is something in me that is struggling with being a teacher in a hearing environment.  I work with a great team and they do their best to help me with things that I might not 'hear' but still there is that feeling of isolation again.  But I feel something is missing at the moment.  

I am so lucky that I have my amazing wife who will help me through what I struggle with and a few years back I undertook counselling where I focused on cognitive behaviour therapy and the counsellor I had was amazing but unfortunately with the NHS it is restricted.  I have since seen another counsellor who I struggled with as I couldn't always lip read her and she didn't quite get my deafness and the issues that surround it in my life.  So I have stopped going to see her, the agency are trying to find someone else that is more suited ... Which is a shame as that shows that I cannot access facilities as easily as hearing people and I need help from specialist services. I will be patience and see what the outcome is.  But sometimes I feel like why should I wait when others get it quicker because they do not have issues with communication.  

My previous counsellor suggested that I write things down as well as talk about them.  I have always been a person who likes to write or see things written down as it makes it easier for me.  I have amazing friends who are there for me, and I love them to pieces, they are the family that I have chosen for myself.  I also have my amazing mum and dad who are there for me all the time and will nudge me into the direction that I need to go in.  But above all my wife is my rock and she knows me better than I know myself, so I am blessed in that respect.  

I have a tendency to over think and turn something very small into something very big which is not a good trait.  I also worry about what other people think of me.  I often think I am not good enough and put myself down constantly.  I do not completely know where this stems from, but I know I am a perfectionist and if I do something that is not right or perfect I tend to beat myself up about it till I drive myself mad about it and find it hard to move on.  

My focus is to think about the over thinking and why I do it.  So I am going to set myself targets and explore and discuss them and share them.  I hope this doesn't BORE you!  I would appreciate your support and thoughts on my waffling ons! 😃. 

As with regards to work... I am going to take it one step at a time and write my thoughts down and be proactive and think about the future and what it might hold for me. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.  

Take care, speak soon.  Lots of love. F x